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Monday, May 23, 2011

Top 13 Ways to Deal with the End of the World: The Ultimate Survival Guide for the NEXT Rapture

When I first heard about Harold Camping’s prediction that the Rapture would occur on May 21, 2011, I was skeptical just like anyone would be.  For starters, there was the fact that Camping had tried his hand at predicting the End of Days back in the 1990’s and been wrong.  That’s really one of those predictions where you kind of really need to be right the one time that you trot it out there.  Plus, there are the centuries of biblical scholars that have come and gone trying to figure out what the Bible was trying to say about the Rapture, most getting no closer than the quote from Matthew that has been in the news a lot lately that no man can know the plan.

However, I like to keep an open mind about things, so just like the saying about if you have enough monkeys on word processors, eventually they’ll type out “Hamlet,” I was willing to give Camping at least a punchers chance.  While I made no special arrangements to prepare for Judgment Day, I did decide to keep track of what was going on.  Below is my log of the day and my Top 13 ways to deal with the end of the world:

6:15 a.m. - Woke up and checked my iPhone for a news alert update about the world coming to an end.  Got slightly confused about the time zone issue, since I’m on Pacific time and Manhattan should have been gone three hours ago.  Looked a little closer at the Wikipedia article on Camping’s prediction and found out that it was for 6 P.M.  Went back to sleep.

9:00 a.m. – Enjoyed a nice three cheese omelet at FarmShop.  Usually I would just go with the oatmeal and a cup of tea, but on the off-chance that we’re closing in on the end, the cholesterol won’t matter.

10:15 a.m. – Went for a run at the beach.  If you’re possibly going to meet your maker, then it doesn’t hurt to be in shape.  Plus, there was time to think about the world and all of that, while reflecting on the natural wonders around me.  Then had impure thoughts about a brunette on rollerblades and probably blew whatever good I had done with the reflection stuff.

11:30 a.m. – Watched a little bit of the playoff hockey game that was on.  I wanted to squeeze in some sports before all hell broke loose, and it was the only thing on.  I’m more of a basketball fan, but the NBA insists on putting all of their games on in the evening…which would mean bad news for the Dallas-Oklahoma City game once the earthquakes start.

1 p.m. – Went to church to make right with my God.  OK, actually, I went to church for the christening of a friend’s baby daughter – a happy coincidence – but I did light a candle while I was there.

2 p.m. – At the reception for the christening.  Would’ve preferred some pita and hummus to the lunch meat tray that they brought in – the rolls are huge and I don’t really want that many carbs – but with only a handful of hours to go, I just go with it.  They do have a very tasty fruit salad.  I love it when they put some fresh coconut in there.

3:10 p.m. – Dawned on me that Manhattan should now, really be in trouble, if Camping is right.  Tried to call a friend on the Lower East Side, but only got their voice mail.  Maybe they’ve already ascended.  Checked CNN and they seem to be reporting that there has been no Rapture.  That could just be a media conspiracy though, of course, so I checked Fox News and no Rapture there either.  But, now we’re back to the whole time zone thing.  Since Camping lives in California, that’s the 6 p.m. that’s probably the one most pertinent to me, so I’ll press on.

4:30 p.m. – A friend just called to ask if I wanted to go to dinner tonight.  Apparently, he had meant to invite me earlier and has 8 p.m. reservations at Crustacean.  Not really sure how to respond to that.  I’m kind of living pre-6 p.m., post-6 p.m. here.  I decide that either way, I’m probably going to be in the mood for their Drunken Crab, so I accept the invitation.

5:15 p.m. – Down under one hour to go.  You know how you often play that game of “What would I do if I had one hour to live?”  Well, I can’t think of anything.  I’m by myself, so that kills one idea. I guess I really should’ve planned that part out better.

5:55 p.m. – Never did come up with anything.  If it is the end, then I just wasted my last good hour on earth trying to think of something good to do.  Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk at this point.

6:05 p.m. – Checking all the clocks in the house just to make sure, but we’re past the predicted time and there’s nothing.  I kind of feel like Geraldo Rivera digging into Al Capone’s vault, only minus the moustache.

6:25 p.m. – OK, I’m over it.  Good race at the Preakness.  Glad I didn’t bet, because I probably wouldn’t have had Shackleford.

9:30 p.m. – The Drunken Crab was delicious.

So, obviously, everyone still seems to be here and life continues on.  Still, I managed to have a good day even without the big payoff.  That’s the beauty of it all though, isn’t it? Even the doomsday predictions of a misguided preacher can lead to someone else having a perfectly nice time, especially since; let’s face it, that omelet tasted a lot better than the oatmeal. 

Okay, so probably not the most scientific method for survival, but definitely my top 13 ways to deal with the end of the world.  Good thing I didn’t do anything crazy in anticipation, like put up a bunch of billboards or anything!

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